


I'm Lost When You're Not Around

by NightCourt_HighLady



Series: A Court of Lyrics and Melodies [8]
Category: A Court of Thorns and Roses Series - Sarah J. Maas
Genre: Angst, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-21
Updated: 2017-07-21
Packaged: 2018-12-05 02:08:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 942
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11568105
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NightCourt_HighLady/pseuds/NightCourt_HighLady
Summary: Songfic for Perfect World by Simple PlanRhys is empty and lost without his Feyre. He gets up every day and does what needs doing, but in the dark of the night he can't cope with the loneliness.Just a bit of Rhys's internal monologue during the beginning of ACOWAR. Obviously, Spoilers for ACOWAR.





	I'm Lost When You're Not Around

**Author's Note:**

> This fic came out of nowhere and it's not my best work but the story wanted me to tell it for some reason.
> 
> Hope you enjoy!

Winnowing back to Velaris with his family and leaving Feyre behind with those demons from Spring was the hardest thing he’d ever done. But his family and his people needed him. Feyre could take care of herself. 

_ I never could’ve seen this far _

_ I never could’ve seen this coming _

_ Seems like my world’s falling apart _

_ Yeah _

Hybern had come out of nowhere. Mor had once commented that he saw the world like a game of chess. Until now, he was the best player he’d come across. Hybern had made a move that he could never have anticipated, as had Tamlin. He’d underestimated the Lord of Spring’s stubbornness- and his blindness in regards to Feyre.

And now he was alone. He was so desperately alone. It was worse than his loneliness from before he met Feyre Under the Mountain.

His was the loneliness of one who finally knows what it’s like to no longer be lonely before loss takes the happiness away.

_ Why is everything so hard _

_ I don’t think I can deal with the things you said _

_ It just won’t go away _

Sometimes, their accusing words rang in his ears.

“ _ Where is she?” _

_ “Go get her. Right now.” _

_ “She’s your mate. Not your spy.” _

_ “You mean to tell me that my High Lady is now surrounded by enemies?” _

But he kept going. The tiny thread of awareness left linking her to him. That tiny thread of knowledge that his spy, his lover, his equal, his  _ mate _ was alive.

_ In a perfect world _

_ This could never happen _

_ In a perfect world _

_ You’d still be here _

_ And it makes no sense _

_ I could just pick up the pieces _

_ But to you _

_ This means nothing _

_ Nothing at all _

Everything he touched, everything he loved, was snatched away from him.

He thought he was able to get it back when Amarantha was destroyed, when Feyre accepted him, but no. She accepted him just for him to lose her in the end. She was gone, gone, gone.

Back to that prison.

Back to the place that destroyed her bit by bit, day by day.

What would be left of his beautiful mate when she returned.

_ I used to think that I was strong _

_ Until the day it all went wrong _

_ I think I need a miracle to make it through _

_ Yeah _

Every day he got up was harder.

Each time he woke up it hit him anew. He always forgot in his sleep. But when he woke up every day clinging to a pillow that held less and less of Feyre’s scent, he had a few blessed seconds before the knowledge hit him.

Each time it hit him, it hurt a little more.

It made no sense as to why this was so much harder. He’d done this for months before he had Feyre with him. She’d never actually gotten the chance to help him shoulder the burden of the day to day runnings of the Court before she went out to go protect them. So why was each day harder than the last?

_ I wish that I could bring you back _

_ I wish that I could turn back time _

_ Cuz I can’t let go _

_ I just can’t find my way _

_ Yeah _

_ Without you I just can’t find my way _

She should never have gone.

She thought herself unnecessary. But she was- to all of us. 

She was his. His mate, His equal, His High Lady.

And she was theirs.

Their queen, their charge, their High Lady.

If he could go back, they would never have gone. They would never have stolen that book from Tarquin. They would never have gone to Hybern. 

They could have easily done this without her going back there.

They could have figured out something else.

This didn’t have to happen.

_ In a perfect world _

_ This could never happen _

_ In a perfect world _

_ You’d still be here _

_ And it makes no sense _

_ I could just pick up the pieces _

_ But to you _

_ This means nothing _

_ Nothing at all _

Every single night, he cried himself to sleep.

He woke with nightmares. 

Those  _ creatures _ trying to hurt her on Calanmai

Her back as a human, Under the Mountain.

Watching the Attor break her into pieces.

Watching her destroy the Middengard Worm.

Watching her dance, drunk, as Amarantha’s Plaything.

Watching her fall to pieces right before his eyes.

“ _ Who could blame them - who would want to bother with that sort of mess? _ ”

Watching, watching, always watching and never doing.

And the worst nightmare of them all:

The echoing crack made by her neck that echoed in his ears, his soul, and their mating bond.

And the emptiness he felt when she died.

_ I don’t know what I should do now _

_ I don’t know where I should go _

_ I’m still here waiting for you _

_ I’m lost when you’re not around _

_ I need to hold on to you _

_ I just can’t let you go _

_ Yeah _

_ Yeah _

Waking up wasn’t a relief. All he could do was lock himself down, lock all of his emotions behind a mask as he had far too much practice doing and check for her every day.

_ In a perfect world _

_ This could never happen _

_ In a perfect world _

_ You’d still be here _

_ And it makes no sense _

_ I could just pick up the pieces _

_ But to you _

_ This means nothing _

_ Nothing at all _

_ You feel nothing, nothing at all _

_ Nothing at all _

One morning, he woke up and realized she was gone. Her mind was gone. The bond was blank. Not empty- blank.

Something had happened.

She was alive, but the bond was being blocked.

It was time to get her back.


End file.
